Taken the day of my exam. 16 June 17.
It is over. And somehow I passed the exam. I guess there’s no more excuse to drop out of the PhD, for now. I’m kind of glad, but at the same time, there’s a tinge of… guilt. Definitely didn’t feel like I should have passed, because I still lack so much and am not at the standard that I’m supposed to be at. Still not sure how to feel about it. I don’t think it’s imposter syndrome at all, because it would actually necessitate competence, of which I have none. But well, things will go on, we will continue trying, and hopefully not fail along the way. Maybe things will get better, maybe I will eventually graduate. It would probably be the greatest achievement yet. One can only hope that all pans out well. Lots of insecurity and doubt. I feel like a lot of people would call me a girl who cries wolf all the time, given the number of times I’ve contemplated quitting my PhD programme. Honestly, I love the research, I just don’t know if I can do it. I don’t feel competent enough, and I feel like I’m lying to myself everyday, thinking that I can do it and graduate.
Man, even I’m getting sick of hearing myself say all this shit. But it’s hard to think that I would actually be able to successfully defend my thesis in about 2.5 years.